Double header today dear readers. Lol. This is how my blog posts happen. My brain and heart fill up and so I drop everything and find the nearest couch.
Update on the poetry book… I found a local poet to read over my manuscript and give me some feedback. So I am waiting with baited breath and would be biting my nails if I had that habit. Hoping to publish in the spring. More updates to come!
As soon as Elaina turned 1 and a half my mind started turning to baby number 2 which is totally natural and normal. We want to have a bigger family and our extrovert daughter will benefit from a sibling’s company.
In recent weeks though I realized that a healthy desire has turned into pressure on myself and feelings about my age and the age gap between kids etc.. I had a specific plan in mind but the more I tried to push my body, my husband and my daughter into that plan the more stressed I became. I began to not anticipate getting pregnant again with joy but a “well, this is the way it should be and we may not be ready but you’re never really ready.”
There is a truth to that. If we wait until our lives are perfect that will never happen. But in prayer and really looking out our life right now I realized I can take my foot off the gas pedal just a little bit…
I am pretty black and white person so if I was going to stop trying to have another baby right now, the alternative in my mind was never have a baby. Lol. Give away the baby clothes and call it quits. Yeah, I know, pretty extreme. I think partly it is because I feel safe in the extremes. I feel like I have control. It can be similar with marriage or other dreams. People have asked me, “can you pray that I meet my husband right now or that God will call me to be single for the rest of my life?” Either right now or not at all. The place of surrender is a scary in between. And the funny thing with surrender is that once I did it and said “it’s okay if I am not pregnant by Christmas or by spring break.” A huge huge burden fell off my shoulders.
The self inflicted pressure and perhaps society driven pressure dissolved and gave way to the little voice inside that says, “I am really enjoying having lots of time for my daughter. I am excited about teaching on call again. It is nice to get my body back in order before round #2, etc…
I laughed when this passage was highlighted in my heart:
“The righteous will flourish like a palm tree, they will grow like a cedar of Lebanon; planted in the house of the Lord, they will flourish in the courts of our God. They will still bear fruit in old age they will stay fresh and green, proclaiming, “The Lord is upright; he is my Rock, and there is no wickedness in him.””
Psalms 92:12-15 NIV
I am 36. Not considered old age but maybe getting there gestationally. I remember feeling anxious about not having a husband when I was in my mid 20s and was reminded of a woman who got married for the first time at age 75. Okay God, if she can wait that long, then I can wait too, a little bit, not quite that much…”
I got married when I was 32 to a man exactly 3 months older. Again, when I was waiting for our daughter Elaina I pictured having to wait several years when God called me to surrender getting pregnant. Sarah in the bible had to wait until she was 90…. Fortunately for me, it happened a year and a half after we got married.
So who knows? Maybe this wait will be shorter or longer. If you have been reading my posts for a while you will know that seasons and mindsets change quickly for Songflower. The point though is that right now my mind is at rest. I am not constantly calculating or worrying about how Elaina should be a little more independent to prepare for a sibling. Or how bad it might be if they are not exactly 3 years apart. This is the place of rest and hope. Faith that our desire for another child(ren?) will be fulfilled at just the right time. In the meantime, I am really enjoying sitting on the couch writing during these afternoon nap times. Cherish the present….