It would be an understatement to say that 2021 has not started quite as everyone hoped.

COVID with all that it entails did not vanish at midnight, December 31.

My first phone call of the year was to let me know that my brother was just about to have an emergency appendectomy. All is well now but that wasn’t the call I was expecting for New Year’s Day, considering the thought that “wow, if he hadn’t followed his intuition to get to the hospital at 6 am he could be dead.”

Last night I scrolled through Facebook taking in all of the passionate views of recent events in the US and responses to those views. Let’s just say I feel a lot safer writing here than there. And it is hard to even articulate what my own thoughts and what are the simply the echoes of others.

In other news, my signal app crashed this morning because of the number of people fleeing whatsapp, causing me to question the future state of freedom, privacy etc…

So now I am grounding myself in very special literature. This year, I am listening to Daily Audio Bible Chronological, and I have the hope of finally reading through the whole bible cover to cover.

Right now we are in the book of Job. Near the end of the book God speaks “out of the storm”. I find the following words comforting, even though they are written as a challenge and somewhat of a rebuke to Job.

These words remind me of the vastness of God. His beauty, his creativity and his authority over everything. I encourage you take a deep breath and soak them in while picturing gorgeous HD scenery.

Nature reminds me of God’s presence when I forget. One inhalation of fresh air, one glimpse at a tree branch or squirrel remind me that He is good and great. Great enough to keep me safe while also challenging me to grow and be courageous.

This passage is even more personal. In the last couple of months I have gone from being afraid of getting pregnant and sick to desperately wanting to be pregnant again, even if that means a lot of vomit. And the way that God has created the process of conception and finding out about it requires a lot of waiting. I find myself in the place now, processing thoughts of hope and fear of hoping, wondering if the couple of friends who recently had dreams or premonitions of me being pregnant are true? My toddler is starting to say that she wants to be a “big sister”. My niece’s reply when I told her that Elaina wanted to be a big sister was, “maybe there already is a baby in your tummy.”

I find myself clinging to these words, wondering if they are omens of a tiny fertilized egg or simply best wishes from people that I love. Clinging too hard leaves me very unsettled. Like trying to stand on one foot in a wobbly canoe. Eventually I am going to tip over. Forest helps me stay stable with his reminder to take the words at “face value” and not read in to them what I want to.

The words that I can cling to with all of my heart are in Job 39. The Creator of the mountain goats and deer is also the creator of me. And my children.

In Him, I rest. In Him, I wait. This is where I belong.

All images from NIV.

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